I never thought in a million years that I had clinical depression. And for so long.
Sure, I grew somewhat anti-social towards my senior year in college, but I never thought anything about it. I thought maybe I just didn’t want to go out and would rather be at home. I felt lonely sometimes, but sometimes the solitary life was comforting. The idea of going dancing in a club or being in crowded bars….. it makes me shudder right now just thinking about it.
And the anxiety. Wow. It’s gotten to a point where I just want to boil over sometimes. The only reason I could get through the Sara Bareilles concert was because I could sit down and not get crowded by screaming people… thank God….otherwise I couldn’t have dealt with it.
I’m just not good at this, ya know? I thought what I’ve been feeling for the past 8 years was the norm, what everyone else felt….but it’s not normal. And it’s hard to wrap your brain around that fact… that you’ve been sad and so tired for such a long time and it went unnoticed by everyone, including myself.
And it all explains so much and how I would turn to food for comfort and block people and things out of my life.
I don’t know.
I feel like the new kid in town.
And this new medication makes me feel weird. I feel like my feelings and emotions are in a clear box, sitting out of my body and my heart and my head…. but I just can’t get to them.
I don’t know. Blah. I’m just trying to navigate my way through this. I feel like I’m going on a road trip cross country and I don’t have a map.